Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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