im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
