maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
