No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
