The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
