I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
