ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
