could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
