you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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