Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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