im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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