I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
