You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
