I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
