Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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