He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
