I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
