If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's just like the Real World with babies
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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