when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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