So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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