Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
