Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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