At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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