im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
