remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
