Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
