The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
