hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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