I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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