I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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