she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
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