i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
