the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
