I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
