I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
