rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Drake has all the answers
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
