I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
