I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
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