I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
