Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
