I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The beer is more important than you right now.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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