Define "chronic" masturbator.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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