I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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