when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
MIDGETS
????
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
