shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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