Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
