I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
