why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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