Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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