Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
