Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
