when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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