Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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